your sick twisted infatuation with me

what the hell IS this???

2009-12-14T12:03:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what this blog is about--seriously. I just skimmed through some of these posts, and they're ridiculous--nay, absurd! This is the type of shit you get when you're underslept and overcaffinated.

This blog will almost certainly be deleted soon ... That is, of course, if all of you little girls can still adequately stalk me without it ...

"bionic woman" is the worst show ever

2007-11-03T19:14:00.000-05:00

I just saw the first few minutes of an episode of "bionic woman." The best thing I can say is "what the hell?"

What the hell?

The chick and that doctor dude were driving and got hit by a semi and full speed. The car rolled at least five times and hit a light post, smashing in half of the car. Aside from the fact that they probably both should have died on impact, HE operates on her.

What the hell?

This is completely idiotic. If you plan on watching "bionic woman", be warned that it is based on the dumbest premise ever. It has clearly been written by a team of mental patients.

You have been warned.

real things

2007-10-29T03:09:00.000-05:00

I've decided that maybe I should start posting about real things. I don't have enough fake things to post about, and I don't really want you people to know anything about me. I mean, really I do, but really I don't. It's part of having a dark soul.

You know how that goes. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to start posting about real things any day now. Things like the latest flicks, fashion trends, and Paris Hilton. You know ... real things.

apartment pee

2007-09-27T23:55:00.000-05:00

Yeah ... I've been kind of lax on the posting lately. That probably has something to do with the near-zero traffic to the blog ...............

Anyway, the apartment doesn't really smell like pee anymore.

Oh yeah, I'm married too now. And she's pretty good lookin'. So, I've got that goin' for me.

no peeing in your apartment

2007-08-16T21:14:00.000-05:00

I would like to ask you all to refrain from peeing in your apartment (aside from in the toilet).

Those of you who have been properly stalking me would know that my new apartment smelled like piss until today. Apparently the folks who lived here prior decided it was OK to pee all over the place. Well, the carpets (and padding) have finally been replaced in the appropriate places, and the apartment now smells tolerable.

You're all better people for knowing that.

Happy stalking.

vampires

2007-08-13T09:09:00.000-05:00

The world is not a vampire. The world contains vampires. Do not invite a vampire into your home. Vampires will not stalk you. They'll chill with you once and never call you again.

Damn vampires, going around hurting people's feelings like that. May as well suck the blood right out of people's necks.

I have a solution though: stop eating garlic. You smell bad. If you want the vampires to be your friends, you need to smell nice.

Smell nice.

Does this please you, cruel cruel world?

not puttin' out, eh?

2007-06-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

You folks better start puttin' out or I'm leaving.

dot dot dot

2007-06-23T16:56:00.001-05:00

I still need a bloody architect. Where are all you people?

Some infatuatees you are.

i need a shower

2007-06-05T13:27:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I was present at a soccer tournament just outside of Madison. Those of you who are actually doing your job already know that. Those of you who are lame and took a weekend off from stalking me hadn't a clue. Regardless, because I am relatively burnt (by the voodoo witchcrafts of the sun), I have not showered in a couple days. Quite honestly, it's painful enough just to exist at the moment.

Now, as dedicated infatuatees, I'm sure you're all itching to find me and rub aloe all over my crispy body, however, there's no need to worry: that lovely lady of mine has it covered. Unfortunately, I'm at work for the moment, so the effects of the aloe have had ample time to wear off, leaving me in great pain for several more hours.

If only I had some super powers--the powers of aloe perhaps. Then I could possibly fight against the sun's black magic and defeat the evil burnitization ONCE AND FOR ALL! If only I had such powers ...

No matter. I shall use what powers I do possess. I possess behind me a league of people with a sick twisted infatuation!

People of Infatuation, HEAR ME!

We must build a reflective dome! We must shelter ourselves from the sun at once! More importantly, we must shelter ME! My fair skin will not tolerate the unrelenting ultraviolet rays of the raging sun any longer!

Step ONE: I require an architect. If you are or know an architect, please post a response to this message so we may begin planning THE DOME. If you are not an architect or do not know one, you should probably just make a donation.

Step TWO to follow.

naughty stalkers not stalking well enough

2007-05-30T12:41:00.000-05:00

Apparently none of my stalkers are dedicated enough to post a damn comment about renaming The Pyramid Project. I guess that's OK. If none of you are infatuated enough to put forth some effort now and then, I'll stalk myself.

Really, it'll be fine. In fact, I'll do a really good job. I'll know exactly where I am at least 98% of the time (when I'm awake). And I'll even know, for the most part, what I'm going to do next. The reign of the amateur infatuatees is coming to an end, and the rise of my own dazzling stalking ability is just beginning.

Prepare to be amazed.

And, as my first act, I shall be carefully and secretly watching myself rename The Pyramid Project to The Happy Funamid over the course of the next day or two.

I guess you can watch too. But, don't expect to be as good at stalking me as I am.

hooray flowers?

2007-05-25T15:55:00.001-05:00

Not enough folks are joining the pyramid. So, I'm thinking of renaming it and adding some drawings to make it more appealing to the ladies (and not ladies). Maybe something like The Happy Funamid! or possibly Hooray Flowers! would be good.

I'm not too sure though.

What do you think?

pyramid scheme

2007-05-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

Perhaps some of you remember my post about starting a virtual pyramid scheme. Most of you probably don't. Either way,

It's here.

infatuatable people

2007-05-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

I didn't make that list yet. But when I do, I'll probably be putting Jesus (Christ) and Stephen Colbert on it. Jesus (the Anointed) and Stephen Colbert are both great role models. Moses might be on there too, but it's important to note that both Jesus and Stephen Colbert have a much higher approval rating among their own followers and stalkers.

My approval rating is pretty high too. But, being the stalker that you are, you already know that.

an idea

2007-05-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

I had this idea to make a list of acceptable people you could become infatuated with if I ever die (which will probably never happen). Well, to be completely honest, my fiancee had this idea for me to make a list of acceptable people you could become infatuated with if I ever die (which will probably never happen), but if it's on my blog, it's really my idea, now isn't it.

I didn't make the list yet. Go away.

bwahaha!

2007-05-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm toying with you. But, I'll give you a dollar if you can find me. However, if you make a donation, you will receive eternal glory.

i am not dead

2007-04-26T14:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry all. I'm sure you all thought I was dead. I'm not though. I'm actually quite alive. This is good for you--I'm not sure what you would have done without me.

Really, what would you have done?

Let me tell you: You would have slowly drifted off into a deep depression and you grew more and more boring for not having my blog to read. You would have had to become dependent on something else to survive, which probably wouldn't have ever happened. So instead, you would have just sat there, wondering where your life--MY life--had gone.

As you grow older and you find that there were in fact others out there to put your sick twisted infatuation into, you begin to wonder if it was all a mistake. You begin to wonder if being devoted to my life was really a smart decision. You begin to wonder if, now that I'm gone, you can get along by placing your obsession on somebody else.

Fear not, I have the answers for you. First, I am indeed worth your obsession. I'm fantastic, in fact. Secondly, I am not dead. You may continue to be infatuated with me. Thirdly, once I am in fact dead, I am still worth your sick twisted infatuation. Proceed as planned, my young aspiring psychopath.

the world's largest trivia contest

2007-04-21T01:00:00.000-05:00

I'm currently participating in the worlds largest trivia contest! I'm not really sure what team I'm on. And I'm not really sure who most of the people are around me, but I think they're all related to my fiancee.

Speaking of my fiancee's relations, Eric, her brother, reads my blog every day, even on days I don't post. He thinks I'm really cool. That makes him cool. If you think I'm cool as well, I may consider allowing you into the realm of coolness as well.

You should consider that. It would be sad to know you went through life lacking cool.

caffeine addiction

2007-04-17T14:09:00.000-05:00

Deeply Infatuated,

Over the past few days I have been struggling with overcoming a pretty rough caffeine addiction. I have had a migraine for days, and have found it difficult to function in the real world (or even any fake ones). Additionally, I have been plagued with ridiculously oppressive dizziness and fatigue. The past few days have been rough, and I'm not quite through the storm yet.

I'm glad you're all infatuated with me, because I can now confidently recline and know that someone somewhere is deeply concerned with how I'm doing. You're probably looking through magazines and online articles for remedies to my situation. Maybe you're even starting a savings account to aid me in my time of need. There are many ways to be infatuated with me in my time of need. Don't limit yourself to my simple examples.

Please, if you have an interesting method for being disgustingly infatuated with me, post it in a comment. I'm sure the rest of us would love to read new ways to obsess over someone online.

In other news, my shift starts in 2 minutes. I'm going to do something productive today--you just wait.

give something back to society

2007-04-13T20:19:00.000-05:00

Please forgive me. It has been awhile since my last post, and I realize I owe it to my deeply infatuated fans to post more often than that. I realize most of you rely on the details of my life to feel any sense of satisfaction in your own. For you, I post.

Last night I took care of my sick fiancee. So, we'll never have to see her again ...

In other news, I worked this week. Granted, I don't work very hard, I still work, dammit. And then I post on my blog, for all those who need my graceful presence in their lives. Don't worry, I'm here for you because I need to be. I'm here for you because I ought to be. I'm here for you because you have nothing else. I'm all you have.

But YOU ... I know you took something from society, and you need to give it back.

I don't care where you took it from, give it back. You owe it to society. More importantly, you owe it to me. Give something to me. You can start with some money.

Remember, you owe this to society.

Jesus rises from the dead and we kill pigs.

2007-04-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

I've been posting a lot less than I had hoped I would be. This is because running a blog is a lot more difficult and time consuming than you might think. It takes nearly full concentration for at least a short amount of time every now and then. And of course, it requires an arse-load of creativity and spite. It's rough--certainly no cakewalk.

Speaking of cakewalks, what the hell? What the hell is a cakewalk? People use this term to signify something is easy like the prom queen. So, why don't they just say, "easy like the prom queen?" Why do they have to pretend cake can walk all of a sudden, and that it's really damn good at it?

I've never seen cake walk. And if I did see cake walk, I don't think it'd be walking too well. Cakewalk should refer to things that are impossible, as cake cannot walk. Fools. Learn all there is to know about life from me, and you will rest in truth. Turn to the damn government or democracy or some shit like that and you get idiotic idioms like cakewalk.

Anywho, I hope you all had a good Easter. Don't worry, this is not because really I care about your Easter experience. This is because I'm assuming you don't stalk me when you're actually having a good time of your own. Of course, you probably have a good time stalking me too, sicko.

For Easter I ate food and cheered for Jesus, because he rocks. Unfortunately, much of the food that was available to me was ham. Not only is ham not that great, but people never make the kind of ham I like, so it's downright unappealing. Jesus rises from the dead and suddenly everyone wants to kill pigs--what the hell.

Yuk. Now go away and take joy in having read my blog.

taking it easy

2007-04-06T18:46:00.000-05:00

I woke up at the crack of noon today and decided I'd take it easy. I'd had a long week. I had not entered the World of Warcraft for a good few hours of play in quite some time. I still haven't yet this week. I need to get on that.

My mage, Qoheleth (on Icecrown), is only a level 64. What am I supposed to do with that? I could walk up to someone and kick them in the shins or something, but then they'd pummel me into obvlivion. That wouldn't be very fun at all. As far as 500p3r 1337 5K1|_|_z, I'm set. But, I need time to level and acquire fancy gear.

Deeply Infatuated, shame on you for not giving me money. With all the money you're not currently giving me, I could be paying bills so I could spend less time working and more time appeasing the World of Warcraft gods. You're all doing a piss poor job of being infatuated with me. Learn some skill, dammit.

Make a donation.

you suck at this

2007-04-04T00:52:00.000-05:00

You really suck at being infatuated with me. I've had a massive cold for days, and you haven't come to my rescue with food, money, or drugs. If you can't hold up a decent sick twisted infatuation with me, I'll just have to find myself some one else ...

oops!

2007-04-02T00:45:00.000-05:00

Forgive me, my deeply infatuated friends. As my weekend flew by, I realized you were most likely clawing at your walls in frustration, not knowing what kind of underwear I donned. Well, I wear boxers. That's just my style. Next weekend, if I find myself too busy to post in your portal de la stalking, at least you'll know I'm wearing boxers.

In other news, my life is way too cool for me to sit here and type all night. I'll bet you wish you were me. That's OK though: you'll just deepend your infatuation with me and stalk me through my blog instead. It'll almost be like you're me!

starting a pyramid scheme

2007-03-29T09:06:00.000-05:00

Infatuatees,

Your dedication to me is heartwarming, but you need to recruit. Get on that.

Anyway, since you came here to lust over me and relieve yourself of your own humdrum life for a moment, I'll indulge you a bit:

Last night I spent a two precious hours of my life trying to convince a house-mate that he's involved in a pyramid scheme. Then, after assuming that the "business" he's currently "working" for might be a pyramid scheme, I continued to try to explain why pyramid "businesses" are inherently immoral. For those of you who are so insanely disconnected from the world that you don't know how this works, let me briefly explain:

Some crappy product is invented, reinvented, or even relabled and "sold" at a ridiculously higher price than it's worth (assuming the product has any inherent value). Then, in addition to selling the mostly useless product, the "company" also markets "marketing kits," "sales positions" or any other given name they use for "sucker." As more and more suckers join the "business," the chance for each new sucker to make any cash off the deal significantly decreases, and the chance that the investment is a total loss increases.

Effectively, the "business" sells "sub-businesses." Each sub-business makes money by increasing the size of the business. This model ALWAYS requires the majority of its customers to buy in thinking they'll profit, when in reality they can't, because no matter how large or small the pyramid gets, most of the people involved have lost money. If, by some Satanic feat of black magic, every person on Earth is so insanely bored that they buy in, greater than half of the Earth's population has been deceived into making a donation to the people at the top few levels of the business without ever having a chance for a return on the investment.

Well shit. If you're that bored, I'm here to be infatuated with on a much more regular basis than you give me, you selfish ass. I know you're already starting to lust for my life. Just give in and go all out like you really want to. I promise it won't hurt much. You can even get some friends to be infatuated with me too. Yes I know, it's hard to believe there are people out there that don't already have a sick twisted infatuation with me, but they exist. They just haven't heard of me yet.

So go tell them.

And tell them I'm going to start a pyramid scheme, and everyone is invited to join. If everything goes according to plan, I can have that up and running in a week or two.

That was the real point of this post. I just wanted you all to know I'm starting a pyramid scheme and I want your money.

By the by, don't get too worn out being infatuated with me; just send money [and recruits].

i am sleepy

2007-03-28T02:16:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty insanely tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. Since you probably have nothing better to do, you should come hold my eyes open.

you're already less boring for reading this

2007-03-27T12:04:00.000-05:00

I didn't really do anything so far today. I pretty much just woke up and existed for awhile. I realize that's more exciting than your life, but try not to get too aroused. Just remember, you're less boring for reading this.

Perhaps tomorrow you too can wake up and just exist for awhile. It probably won't be as fantastic as when I hang around and soak in the existence, but at least you'll be taking my lead, which is already better than you were doing before.

I'll try to keep the rest of the day simple. That way you won't feel too bad for having no life and being infatuated with me.

First Post

2007-03-26T13:47:00.000-05:00

This blog is black like my soul.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm starting a blog. The answer is simple: I'm a sellout, and I'm going to profit from your infatuation with my life. And yes, you will, in fact, be infatuated with my life, because you have none yourself. This is the way of the world.

I am at work. Don't tell the boss.

Ok, tell the boss. Tell the boss I took a break to profit from your deep infatuation with me. He'll laugh. He'll think you're cute. And then he will destroy you in a fiery wrath because you bore the world.

Read my blog every day, and you will be less boring. I promise.